i dont even know what to think of today. i stayed up until 1 in the morning procrastinating, playing tetris. i then fell asleep. i got ready for school and my hair was a complete mess. i took orange juice to brighten up my exam filled day and before i could even take a sip, i dropped the bottle and it broke open and half of the juice was gone. i then had my science exam which i knew nothing in and i dont think i’ll pass, but i suppose its not too bad considering i dont plan on doing science next year. at lunch, i chased the sun and sang and danced like the biggest mong to clear my head from exams. i then had my english exam and i actually had so much fun doing it! english is my favourite subject and its also my best one and i think i wrote the best essay i have ever written and the story i wrote, even i quite liked and the short answer and multiple choice questions were so easy! it was nice to sit down and just write a story, even though its getting judged. when i got home from school, i just lazed around until it was time to leave for bible study. bible study was really interesting today and i really enjoyed it. after bible study, i went for a walk through the retirement village with the two most nicest and interesting girls you will ever meet and this guy asked us what we were doing and we looked so suspicious because we were running and then he sees us later and yells out to us and we run again. so we dont run into him again, we find our way back through the bush and little side walks and back roads and we walked past this window where this little old lady was making art and that was so cute. this part of the night was probs my fav bc it was so amazing running around like wild youths, when really our intention was just to go and pick flowers, but we never even got to pick any because we were too busy running around getting lost trying to find our way back. youth was really good tonight as well and we chatted of this super attractive guy omg, he is so perf!!!! he is also the i.t guy at my school and yum. now i am home and am so worn out and exhausted. my morning was horribly boring and long, but i have had the best night!!
1. There will be several days that you daydream about stepping in front of a city bus. Don’t. It will not be beautiful. It will not be brave. It will be selfish. It will be broken. Your mother will cry.
2. Don’t write for him. Write for you. Write for others like you. Write so the girl that thinks about stepping in front of public transportation doesn’t. Don’t be selfish.
3. When you will yourself to sleep and it doesn’t come- get up. It doesn’t matter that it’s 3 am. There will be other 3 am’s. Take a shower. Take two. Wash him out of your hair. Write a poem. Read the same book you’ve read 202 times again. The 203rd time might tell you something different. Don’t stay in bed- you will think about the bus again.
4. Don’t kiss him because he’s broken. Don’t kiss him because his laughter never reaches his eyes. Don’t try and fix him. Fix yourself first. Be selfish. He can’t save you.
5. Date yourself. Take yourself out to eat. Don’t share your popcorn at the movies with anyone. Stroll around an art museum alone. Fall in love with canvases. Fall in love with yourself.
6. Dress up and wear red lipstick and get drunk with your friends. They’re the ones that will pick you up. Don’t kiss him. Or him. Don’t fall asleep on strange couches with strange boys. When his hand slides up your dress walk away. Hit him. Don’t kiss him. He can’t save you.
7. Get another tattoo. Get five more. Get another hole in your ear. Don’t listen to your dad. You will still be able to get a job. Did you really want to be employed by someone like your father? Haven’t you had enough of judgmental old white men anyway? Get fuck you tattooed in tiny letters on your hip.
8. When you feel the yearning for a new city- start over. Take 200 bucks and a three suitcases. Work anywhere that will have you. Meet strange people and forget your name. Call yourself Ruby. No one will know the difference. Remember to call your mother. Don’t be selfish. Come home when you find yourself in the strangers and the small one bedroom apartment.
9. Don’t whisper evil things into your own ear. Other people are going to shout them at you. Be your own hero. Keep a sword on your key ring.
10. Don’t step in front of a city bus. It will not be beautiful. Live. Stay up all night with a boy that promises you everything and means it. Live. See shitty local bands with a friend. Wear a different band’s t-shirt. No one will care. Live. Have a baby girl with tiny fingers and tiny toes someday. Pour love into her until it’s overflowing. Live. Wake up. Staying in bed all day is not poetic.
Do you hear that? It’s me. It’s your life. Wake up."
today was super nice. the best thing about today, was i actually got out of bed. i had waffles with ice cream and coffee for breakfast. i smiled at a cute boy and changed my mind about everything too many times. i just really cant make decisions at the moment! i got my book back after a teacher took it from me over night because i wasted her lesson reading instead of working, so it was good to be reunited. i went out for a ride and just felt the breeze and the clouds looked so cloudy and the sun was hiding and the air was bitter and i just felt so refreshed. i listened to super fun music with the best lyrics and now im drinking coffee and studying, wishing i was asleep. i feel really nice, or at least im doing my best to feel really nice ^.^
good things to come out of today
stop beating yourself up over it. it’s okay to be a real person.
this one time, i ate a boys recess. he put it down and looked the other way and so i picked it up and ate it. yeah, im bad to bone. (did i really just say that?) [yay for inner monologue]